What to Do When Conflict Knocks At Your Door

Hurt, anger, shock and an uneasy feeling in the pit of our stomachs can normally accompany conflict when it shows up at our front door.  If that’s you right now, I’m sorry you are having to navigate it.  I’ve been there.  It’s a hard, painful door to open. Whether it’s a wrongdoing on your part, a simple misunderstanding, or a mean-spirited attack, conflict has the potential to cause deep suffering while at the same time produce the greatest spiritual growth in us.  

So as a believer, how do you respond when conflict stares you in the face at the door?  Here are seven things to keep in mind.

1. Rein in emotions through prayer.  Hurt and anger are powerful emotions that can negatively influence how we respond in a conflict.  They can quickly get past us, causing us to over-react, yell or throw a cold-shoulder at another person.  So going to God in prayer, before anything else, is a learned discipline that helps us to rein in those raw emotions.  Ask God for self-control, wisdom, understanding and a godly perspective about the conflict.  Be assured beloved, He will help.  (Ja. 1:5)
2. Have the end in mind.  Conflict, no matter how small or big, is an opportunity to glorify God.  I always try to ask myself two questions, “What would God like to see happen?”  and “What would satan like to see happen?”  Answering both these questions will help to widen the lens and see a bigger picture of what is taking place.  When I remind myself that God’s glory is my aim, I can see more clearly the path to guide my heart along:  one that desires to follow His commands and trust His promises wholeheartedly.  (Col. 3:17, 1 Cor. 10:3)
3. Don’t share it with everyone.  As women, we love to talk with our friends about everything.  But the Lord, has given us clear instruction not to do so in a matter of a conflict.  Instead, your first step is to go privately to the person, address the matter and make every effort to work towards reconciliation. This is where most of us can miss it.  Our hearts, under the guise of needed counsel, may be tempted instead to  share the story with friends.  But what our deceptive hearts may secretly desire is friends who will justify our action/inaction and garner sympathy.   If you truly need counsel choose a close friend, mature women in the faith, or pastor to share the situation but do not disclose the name.  This helps to guard your heart from an insincere motive and obtain true, unbiased, godly counsel.   (Matt. 18:15, Prov. 25:9)
4. Focus on your conduct, not theirs.   It’s easy to become consumed with what someone else might not be doing right.  Rather focus on yourself:  serving God well and closely examining your own conduct in light of scripture.  If the sovereign Lord has allowed the conflict to be a part of your life, then there is a good and holy purpose for it.  So it’s important to read and study passages that teach us how to steward it biblically.  (Matthew 18:15-17, Romans 12:9-21, James 4:1-12 are a few extremely helpful ones. ) 
5. Continually check your motives.  Is your desire to help or hurt the other person?  This is a good question to ask ourselves repeatedly, making sure our hearts are in the right place.   If you are confronting someone with an offense, ask yourself why?  Is it to point out what they’ve done wrong and make them feel bad?   Or is it to truly to help them understand and grow from it?  A heart that is bitter desires to inflict harm and shame on another person.   A heart that genuinely cares, desires to help and seek reconciliation. (Gal. 6:1, Ja. 5:19-20)
6. Don’t expect an unbeliever to respond biblically.  Some conflicts leave us in complete shock of another person’s hostility towards us.  I hear this a lot from women who are working through painful situations, particularly with other family members who are unbelievers.  We simply cannot expect an unbeliever to act godly.  Knowing this will lessen the shock value and put things in a right perspective.   Instead of expecting a godly response, pray for them and their salvation.  Knowing this from the onset will protect you from unrealistic expectations and help guide you in a loving course of action with an unbeliever.  (Col.4:5-6)
7. Your efforts for reconciliation may not be reciprocated.  This is a hard truth to accept.  Maybe you’re in a situation where you have done everything biblically but there has been no change, it’s actually gone from bad to worse.  Please don’t lose hope because God specializes in impossible situations. I have seen this over and over again.  Instead, choose to surrender the matter entirely to God (usually if we get to this point, we realize we haven’t because we thought if we just did A, B, and C, then things would surely be better). Instead, nows that time to surrender it, turn control over to God, trust His timing and will for the situation.  Continue to nurture hope and a tender heart by praying faithfully for the person or persons involved.  (Gen. 18:14, Luke 1:37, Eph. 3:20)

The above is in no means an exhaustive list on how to handle conflict but rather a few highlights of scripture  that have served me well over the years.   I am still growing as a pastor’s wife, mom, friend, daughter, etc…and in no means perfect.  I still make mistakes that get me into trouble with misunderstanding and the unintentional hurt of another person. So hear me when I say this:  I am grateful for the grace God bestows on His children when we humble ourselves and follow His will through a conflict.  (Ja. 4:6) God knows best, beloved.  Follow His lead.