I remember sitting in an arm chair, both of us sharing about ourselves in what seemed like a conversation that could easily go on for several more hours. We were dating and I was completely intrigued by him. His plans for the future, his strong sense of security, who he was and where he wanted to go. I had never met anyone like him. The more he talked and told me about himself, the more I wanted to know. I began to wonder if he was the one I would someday marry…
And in less than a year, marry we did.
Communication and Intimacy
What started with one conversation, led to vows of having a lifetime of more with one another. Communication and intimacy go hand in hand in a healthy relationship. When we talk with someone, whether it be a friend or spouse, it serves to know that person on a deeper level- but it must be mutually honest, ongoing and with a genuine desire to understand one another.
God Himself has modeled to us the importance of communication. It has been through His spoken word, prophets, angels, dreams, and ultimately Jesus Christ that He has revealed Himself to man. (Hebrews 1:1-2) In hearing and responding to Him as believers, we engage in an ever-growing intimate relationship with our Creator.
So in marriage, communication should be a priority for growing intimacy. At least we know it should be.
Within four years of marriage, Charlie and I had three babies. And those long uninterrupted talks we once enjoyed, well, they were replaced with just the opposite: brief, unfinished conversations done while we both multi-tasked. The added responsibility of both being parents, both working and both trying to make a home for our family slowly affected how we communicated. This, like so many other seasons in our marriage, tested the value we placed on prioritizing intentional face to face conversations with one another.
A Widening Distance
Have you ever felt the weight of a slow widening distance with your spouse? Knowing there are some serious and important things you both need to talk about but never the time? Or unsure of the timing? Or how to begin? This was us in those formative years of our marriage (as well as other seasons). We were busy with good and noble things like raising kids, becoming financially secure and building a home but still learning how to prioritize “us” -giving intentional time to the art of “communicating well” as a husband and wife.
And here’s the thing, we did not set out to drift apart, no one does. But it was our unawareness of just how important it was to guard those honest, respectful, heartfelt talks with each other. When a husband and wife can both express needs, desires and concerns honestly and without fear of judgement or ridicule, it fortifies and nurtures oneness. This is an intimacy we should continually seek to protect in our marriages. Oneness in a christian marriage glorifies God, it’s His good and perfect plan. (Mark 10:8)
Self-examining Questions
So how is your oneness going? Is it strong or is there a slow drift taking place? Here are a few questions to help see if you have prioritized communication with our spouse.
Do I protect time alone with my husband as much as I do time with my children, work, or outings with girlfriends?
Do I put my phone away when my husband and I are talking?
Am I humbly aware there is a personal need to grow in my own communication skills with my husband?
Is there a scheduled day and time when my husband and I talk about important matters?
Do I shy away from discussing finances, spiritual needs, my feelings, or difficult matters with my spouse?
However you answer the above, it’s important to understand that communication is something you have to decidedly tell yourself, “This is a priority.” Learning to express felt needs, desires and concerns with one another is an ongoing commitment. It keeps us dependent on Christ, cherishing His grace, and constantly growing as a wives who seek the oneness in marriage that glorifies God.
Take time to pray about steps you can take to make it stronger!
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